No Good Deed
by Phoenix-cry
Summary: A humourous shortshort story about a 'cultural misunderstanding'. Daniel returns from an off world mission with a whole new look.


No Good Deed...

"Who is it this time?"

"We're getting a signal...it's SG-1, Sir."

"Open the iris, call medical, they're not due back for three more days."

"Yes, Sir."

The iris slid open revealing the bright blue wormhole. It shivered momentarily and SG-1 stumbled through. For a moment all everyone in the Control Room could do was stare. Jack opened his mouth to say something, but failed.

Daniel stood on the ramp wearing little more than a loincloth made of dark blue handmade cloth. Streaks and dots of red and white paint caked his skin. His arm was decorated with a thick band that had a tall blue feather stuck in it. Most alarmingly he had a long quill of some sort pierced through the septum of his nose.

Except for his glasses and watch he looked as though he'd just stepped out of the South American jungle. Teal'c and Sam seemed tired from running, but otherwise looking no different than normal.

"Please tell me the security camera is getting this." Jack finally managed to speak.

The technician simply nodded.

"And they say Christmas only comes once a year."

Jack hurried down the stairs to the Gateroom below. He stood at the base of the ramp with his arms crossed over his chest, one eye brow raised, and a barely contained grin on his face. Half way down the ramp Daniel stopped cold. A look of pure dread fell over Daniel's painted features.

"Oh, I can't wait to hear the explanation for this." Jack beamed.

Daniel rolled his cobalt eyes and sighed heavily. Behind him Sam was biting her lip to try and keep a straight face. Knowing there was no way around it Daniel trudged down the ramp like a man being sent to the gallows. When he tried to step past Jack he moved into his path.

"Is that a porcupine quill?"

Daniel jerked back as Jack reached out to touch the banded quill.

"You know facial piercings really are against Air Force regulations, but if it makes you happy I'll make an exception."

"Are you done?" Daniel snarled.

"Not by a long shot, Danny-boy."

Daniel grit his teeth and pushed his way past Jack. Jack was near tears with the effort it was taking not to fall helpless victim to uncontrollable giggling. Sam was shaking with silent mirth. Even Teal'c's teeth were showing in a lop sided grin.

"Nice thong." Jack chuckled.

Daniel made another noise of disgusted frustration. He walked purposely over to the large first aid kit that hung on the wall. Throwing the door open to the kit he ripped the emergency blanket out and wrapped it around his waist. He stepped out of the Gateroom and headed to the right.

"Daniel," Jack called "the infirmary is the other way."

Daniel froze. Jack couldn't see him rolling his eyes again, but he could sense it. Turning around Daniel did as he was told and headed towards the infirmary. Jack realized that Daniel was clearly furious and probably should be treated with a little more respect, but he simply couldn't help himself.

"Alright, Colonel," Jack said with as straight a face as he could manage "what did you do to him?"

"We had a bit of a...cultural misunderstanding."

"I can see that."

"Actually, Sir, th..."

"No, stop." Jack interrupted. "You two go get cleaned up, I'll go make sure Daniel gets that thing taken out of his nose, and then we can all meet at my house and do the debriefing over a few cold beers."

"Yes, Sir." Sam chuckled.

Jack let a quick chuckle slip himself and then went to join Daniel in the infirmary. Still wrapped in the emergency blanket Daniel sat on one of the infirmary beds looking as miserable as a cat stuck out in a rainstorm. Dr. Brightman was inspecting the six inch quill that decorated his face.

"Well, Dr. Jackson, I have to admit that I've never pulled a porcupine quill out of anyone before."

"Perhaps we should call a vet." Jack suggested.

Daniel shot Jack a murderous glare.

"Just take it out." Daniel muttered darkly.

"Alright, I'll need to get a few things. It's going to bleed heavily."

"Great." Daniel sighed.

Dr. Brightman left to gather up the supplies she needed. Jack looked Daniel over for a moment, waiting for him to explain what happened. For the first time he noticed the black mark over his heart. It looked like a stylized version of the Earth Gate Symbol. Unlike the cracking paint this mark was raised and red around the edges.

"Is that a tattoo?" Jack asked.

"Yes." Daniel admitted.

"Just how drunk were you?"

"I...I wasn't drunk!" Daniel snapped indignantly. "I was drugged. They must have seen the emblem on my jacket and thought it meant something to me."

"Okay, I have know...what the hell happened?"

Daniel didn't say anything at first. He closed his eyes and sighed once again. After shaking his head he looked back at Jack and saw that he finally had a serious expression on his face.

"I saved someone's life." Daniel said simply.

"And this is how they repaid you?"

"Yeah, basically." Daniel managed to smile. "The Chieftain's daughter had a severe case of pneumonia. It took a lot of convincing, in a dialect that I'm not particular familiar with, to let us even see her. Anyway, I talked him into letting me treat her with some of the antibiotics that we always bring with us. She recovered and the natives got the wrong impression about me."

"The wrong impression?" Jack repeated.

"Well, we had come through the Gate so we had already had to explain that we weren't gods, and then of course I was trying to convince the Chieftain that I could heal his daughter with what was basically magic powder to them. When she did get better he came to the conclusion that I must be a Witchdoctor."

"Well...you kind of look like one." Jack commented with a shrug. "Why did you let them dress you up like this? Or rather undress you like this?"

"I didn't 'let' them." Daniel replied irately. "They held this feast for us. They must have known at least somewhat that I wouldn't be a willing victim of a 'make over'. They drugged us, I woke up like this, and was informed that I'd be married within the hour."

"Married?"

"To the daughter. They wanted me to stay and I think they felt this was the best way to do it."

"Sounds like a good plan. I mean it worked for Abydos."

"Jack...the Chieftain's daughter is twelve."

"Twelve?"

"Twelve."

Dr. Brightman came back into the room with a metal tray with a variety of medical supplies on it. Jack stepped out of the way to let her work. She snapped on a pair of glove and looked at the quill once more.

"This...um...this is probably going to hurt." Dr. Brightman admitted.

"It already hurts."

"Right."

Taking a firm grip on the quill Dr. Brightman yanked it free with one lightning fast motion. She handed Daniel a gauze soaked in a coagulant and he held it up against the bleeding. Jack took the quill and looked at it.

"Well, you know what they say, Daniel." Jack said with a wry smile.

"No, Jack, what do they say?" Daniel asked in a wearily nasally voice. "What could 'They' possibly have to say about something like this?"

"No good deed goes unpunished."


End file.
